


freaks and geeks and drag queens

by seasaltcrunch



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drag Queens, F/F, M/M, Suicide Attempt, and i swear it eventually goes somewhere, just u know, lots of gay awakenings, roxas and xion play a lot of mario kart and axel doesnt rlly have friends his own age, theres a lot to unpack here, ur typical high school au with some drag sprinkled in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-18 16:01:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18702865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seasaltcrunch/pseuds/seasaltcrunch
Summary: Recovery is a slippery slope, made trickier with gay awakenings and scraped knees. An unhealthy amount of coffee probably doesn't help, either.





	freaks and geeks and drag queens

**Author's Note:**

> here is my four month late contribution to kh3's recent release  
> i'd like to say that having played kingdom hearts all my life i could have done a more *cough* decent *cough* fic in homage but yunno live like you were dying and all that jazz  
> so uh yeah *dumps this here*

  Even with his eyes closed, the sun was still too bright. But Roxas liked the warmth of it on his skin, how alien it felt. How long had it been since he'd felt the sun on his face?

 He saw the light in bright shades of scarlet, broken up by the trees overhead. He could feel himself starting to doze off, and hoped that the car ride home would last forever. This was the first time in a long time that he felt peaceful.

 The last week or so-- _ had it really only been a week? _ \--was just full of watchful eyes and overcrowded hallways, the acrid smell of chemical cleaners and stale coffee burned into his nose. Moving from one day to the next was a chore, and he couldn't remember a lot of it--two-hour long therapy sessions that went in one ear and right out the other, group therapy where he hadn't moved from his seat once, pills that he swallowed but never felt the effects of.

 Leaving the hospital with his family had been a breath of fresh air, and one of the brightest moments of his life--at least in the last few months. He wasn't happy, but being away from there sparked something in him, and it was more than he'd felt since that night--so he'd take it.

 The atmosphere that everyone was creating, though, was stifling, or at least he could imagine it was for them. He was in his own little bubble, made of sunshine and shadows cast by leaves and the gentle buzz of drifting in and out of sleep.

 He was so lonely before--so, so lonely. But now he hated the company. 

 The quiet was too loud, and he was becoming more aware of it.

 Half asleep and eyes closed, he could still remember the familiar turns to get home. A left on Henderson, right on Main. The car slowed, and when it came to a complete stop, Roxas didn't bother moving.

 He decided he didn't want to be the one to break the silence.

 "Is he awake?"

 "Hey, Roxas."

 Slowly, Roxas cracked his eyes open, squinting against the bright sunlight. In his head, he heard the  _ pop! _ of a bubble.

 He sat up, stretching his arms out in front of him. That was the easiest way he'd found to stretch, in the last few days. The first time he'd lifted his arms over his head, he'd almost cried. He'd learned the limits of his stitches, and at any tug, he felt himself freeze up.

 He looked over and saw Sora watching him, his expression unreadable. When their eyes met, Roxas looked away. Had he said a word to Sora since?

 No, he realized. He hadn't spoken to any of them. Not really, anyways, besides the occasional, "I'm fine."

 He was really hitting on all sixes lately.

No one had moved yet, and he wasn't sure what to do. They were all watching him, but he couldn't meet their gaze. Instead, he stared out the window, deciding again that he wouldn't be the first to do anything. He didn't want to be their green light.

 With a short sigh, Leon finally pushed his door open, a small paper bag in his hand. At the familiar rattle, Roxas recognized it immediately. He couldn't understand why it sparked anger in his chest.

 Cloud followed suit, moving to the truck bed to drag Roxas's backpack out. He slung it over his shoulder and turned to Leon, trading quiet words with him. It suddenly dawned on Roxas that he was alone with Sora. 

 Sora was watching him again, and Roxas fumbled for the handle, shoving his door open with a bit too much force. He winced, ignoring the bite in his forearm, and all but lept out of the car. 

 The air smelled different than it did on the hospital grounds. Roxas couldn't tell if it was a good different or not, and simply decided it was because they had daffodils in their garden and the hospital did not. 

 Roxas moved around the front of the truck, heading for the front door. He didn't acknowledge the fact that he didn't have a key or his stuff and he was going to have to wait. It was a good opportunity for them to trap him, but he knew they wouldn't take it.

 Behind him, he could hear Sora climb out of the car and close the door gently. They were all saying something quietly, and Roxas wondered if they were actually trying to hide what they were saying. They had to know that he didn't really care at this point.

 He stopped on the doorstep and waited, trapping his bottom lip between his teeth. He was so far beyond  _ at this point _ . 

_ At this point _ was when he kept ditching school, opting to stay in bed.  _ At this point _ was the mildly alarming final essay he turned in for his creative writing class and the followup call, a heavy warning about his grades for him and about his wellbeing for his parents.

 Roxas couldn't put his finger on when it was too far, but figured Sora coming home early that day was about lightyears past that point.

 At the jingle of keys, Roxas stepped aside, clearing the way for Cloud to unlock the door. When he pushed it open, he didn't go inside, and instead waited for Roxas to go in first. Biting back a sigh, Roxas followed his silent command, grabbing his proffered backpack on the way in.

 Everyone else followed suit, quiet and watching him. He couldn't focus on anything but the fact that his house smelled different. The only thing he could think of was that it smelled less like a home and more like a cleaning closet. He couldn't remember anyone ever cleaning with bleach before.

 "So," Leon started, his voice too loud in the small entryway. "I could make pancakes for dinner, if you want?"

 While Roxas appreciated the gesture, he didn't bother to feign interest in Leon's hopeful opening. He wanted to go to bed but his head was pounding out alien thoughts like that his house smelled like bleach and his arms hurt and his family was watching him like he'd snap in two.

 So in lieu of a response, he tightened his grip on his backpack and silently headed for the stairs. No one stopped him, and he wanted it that way.

 At least, he was almost positive that was true.

 

-x-

 

  Roxas blinked lazily as he watched the streaks of sunlight on his wall fade from warm orange to ruby red. He had lost track of time somewhere around his sixth Oreo, and the will to traverse to the kitchen downstairs had long since left.

 He felt bad. Partly because of the Oreo's, mostly because of his inability to do anything right. 

 He just kept seeing the pained expressions on his family's faces--Sora's in particular--and he couldn't blink them away.

 Ever since he got back this afternoon, he'd locked himself in his room--which was inadvisable and probably inexcusable. But Roxas didn't crave any company but his own.

_ "Don't leave him by himself," _ the doctor had said.  _ "He needs to be surrounded by loved ones. Keep him busy, distracted. Recovery takes time and patience." _

 Of course, Roxas wasn't supposed to hear any of that. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't help a lot of things.

 With a small huff, he sat up, Oreo crumbs falling from his shirt and onto his bedspread. He kept his eyes forward, refused to acknowledge the stark white begging to be stared at. If he didn't see it it didn't exist.

 He slowly got to his feet, and as he stood, he felt a dizzying rush to his head. He steadied himself against his desk, dragging his jacket from the rolling chair beside him.

 He stuffed his arms roughly into the sleeves and squeezed his eyes shut, willing the ache in his arms to fade.

 He was an idiot, a moron, a  _ mistake _ , he should have never existed--

 His messy, downward-spiral was cut short by his door being thrown open, and he blinked owlishly at a familiar face.

 "I knew it!" Xion cried, arms crossed tightly over her chest, her face a strange mixture of irate and relieved. "Not even a text." She traipsed into his room, swinging the door shut with her foot on her way. She grabbed his shoulder and pulled him close, squeezing him tightly, but not too tight.

 Roxas breathed deep, still tense, but placed his head on her shoulder.

 "Hey, Xi," he breathed into the fabric of her shirt. He realized those were the first words he'd said to anyone since he'd come home, or maybe today. He was starting to understand that "I'm fine" doesn't constitute as conversation.

 "Hey there, bud," she mumbled quietly, her breath tickling his ear and tousling his hair. "You good?" She paused. "I know you're not, but, y'know."

 "I know," he mumbled. He left her question hanging in the air, and she let him. He didn't want to drop another "I'm fine." 

 Roxas felt himself losing track of time again, but he just let himself breathe in her familiar scent and take comfort in the warmth of her against him. This feeling wasn't unfamiliar to him, and yet it felt so alien.

 Slowly, he realized, it's because he'd been gone for so long. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed this.

 Not that he'd actually been away for so long, but he'd been mentally and emotionally clocked out for... well, longer than he'd like to admit. These last couple months, he'd been nothing but a zombie.

 He inhaled sharply, gave her a light squeeze, and stepped away. He was careful in his movements, stiff almost. He sank onto his mattress and stared at his hands in his lap.

 Xion sat beside him and followed his gaze. She didn't say anything, and instead gave him time to collect his thoughts. Or maybe she was just letting him get accustomed to the feeling of not being alone.

 Either way, he was grateful.

 After a few silent minutes, Roxas finally found his voice.

 "Sorry," he said. His voice sounded so loud in his room, in the silence. 

 She pressed her shoulder to his. "Don't be," was all she said.

 And then it hit him. Not as bad as it had that night, but close to it, and his vision blurred as hot tears streaked down his cheeks.

 "Hey, hey," Xion said, loosely wrapping her arm around his shoulders; he realized he was trembling slightly. "It's okay, yeah? It's okay."

 Her voice was soothing, like cool water on a fresh burn, and yet he couldn't stop. His chest  _ hurt _ , and it felt like something was clawing its way out of his throat, and yet he couldn't make a sound.

 And all he could hear was the pounding of his heart, which seemed to reverberate like countless  _ I'm sorry _ 's in his head.

 

-x-

 

 Xion had unspokenly decided to stay the night, and Roxas wasn't going to object.

 He felt drained. His head throbbed and his face was itchy, but mostly he was exhausted, and it ran bone-deep.

 They had dragged the old, lumpy futon out of his closet and rolled it out next to his bed. They were both sitting on the floor, cross-legged with their knees touching, playing their sixteenth round of Mario Kart.

 "Why do you keep getting the blue shells?" Xion grumbled, knocking her foot against his ankle.

 "Because I'm in tenth place," Roxas replied, jerking his controller to the right, and consequently knocking Toad off of the track.

 "Listen--" Xion started, but a soft knock at the door silenced her.

 Without preamble, the door cracked open, and both of them were staring at Sora, who nervously fiddled with the doorknob.

 "Hey," he said, lifting his hand in a small wave. "Room for one more?"

 Roxas stared, his mouth dry, but Xion paused the game and tossed him another controller.

 "I call Peach," she said.

 Sora relaxed minutely and edged his way into the room, closing the door softly behind him. He sat next to Roxas, distancing himself slightly, and activated his controller.

 As usual, he selected King Boo, and waited for the other two to select their characters.

 The first round, Roxas spent in complete silence while Xion and Sora threw jabs at each other and complained loudly whenever they fell off the track. 

 Roxas knew they were trying to create an atmosphere of normalcy, like it was just another Thursday night, but he felt himself growing distant, like he was slowly sinking underwater. And before he knew it, Xion was cheering, and on the screen Princess Peach was holding a large golden trophy.

 Roxas blinked, his grip on the controller going slack.

 They were still talking, Roxas knew, but he couldn't hear anything except static. And that pressure on his chest was back,  _ I'm sorry _ pounding out a steady rhythm in his head. 

 The controller fell from his hands and hit the hard wood floor. Xion and Sora went silent, staring at him, waiting.

 "Roxas." Sora was the first to speak, and Roxas stared at him, waiting for him to say something, and it was like he could see that expression again, wide-eyed and terrified, confused. But instead, he gave him a small smile. "You okay?"

 Roxas blinked owlishly, his lips parting in surprise. The pounding stopped.

 "Roxas?" Xion asked, matching Sora's volume.

 With a sharp intake, Roxas realized he had been holding his breath. He blinked rapidly, and nodded slowly.

 He opened his mouth. "I'm s-"

 Xion thrust his controller back into his hands. "We know," she said, and pressed her shoulder to his again, relaxing against him. "Rainbow Road?"

 Sora was quiet for a moment before he groaned, slumping against the bedframe. "Just do the lava one."

 "There's, like, three lava levels," Xion said. 

 They bickered back and forth, and Roxas's gaze traveled between them.

 "Just do the mountain one," Roxas said. 

 Their chatter paused for a brief moment, as if they were both surprised that he was easing into their attempt, but they moved past it in an instant.

 "DK Mountain it is," Xion said.

 Sora nodded. "Fine by me."

**Author's Note:**

> i lvoe roxas dearly i swear


End file.
